tv Campaign 2016 CBS News Coverage of Election Night CBS November 8, 2016 11:35pm-2:00am EST
something similar to that. my parents never made love. they had a picture of them making love, and i got a sister who's just a painting. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i don't understand what i'm talking about. >> yeah, that's all right. [ laughter ] we're going to take a break, but we'll be right back. just a picture.
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[ music ] has been with us before. mimi kennedy is one of the stars in nbc's comedy series spencer which is on saturday from 8:30 to 9:00 p.m. would you welcome, please, mimi kennedy? [ music ] >> oh, hi. how are you? >> i'm fine, and you remember a song called blue velvet? >> yeah. >> are you an old fashioned--
i guess i am old fashioned kind of gal. i can't wear a lot of beads, and everything. no, i kind of feel like aluminum foil. >> yeah. >> too much of that. >> last time you were here-- didn't you just-- you just had your baby. >> i just had a baby. it was like it was two months before. >> yeah. >> i still have him. >> well, i hope so, yeah. [ laughter ] i'm glad to hear that. >> yeah. he's two years old now. >> you're kidding. >> it seems like-- yeah. no, he's two years old. i think i've been counting right. >> yeah. how are you doing? are you enjoying motherhood? >> i love it. it's a lot of creative play. a lot of floor play. you know. i haven't been above the coffee table in two years but i love it. i've done a lot of it myself. you know, i've been the babysitter, and i'm home. i get up at 7:00 a.m. and we have fish sticks at 5:00 p.m. and, you know. it's kind of very grown up, and very-- not boring, but-- >> well, be honest. >> a certain amount of insanity involved, yeah. >> well, don't you get away occasionally? >> i do get away sometimes. i want to go to--
>> with your husband? >> yeah, it seems like a good idea. in fact, i-- >> do you ever do that just to kind of break out of the-- you know, the rhythm of the-- >> i have-- i do. no. [ laughter ] >> no. i know what you're saying, so you don't fall into a pattern. >> exactly. >> you say, "hey, let's go to a fleabag motel." >> a fleabag motel. >> with a waterbed. >> exactly. the waterbed motels. those adult motels. i always wondered, "who goes there?" they're so sleazy, and slimy. they full of like moms and dads. [ laughter ] >> you know, they're-- >> have you-- >> getting away from the kids. i haven't-- i don't have the nerve to actually go to a motel. >> why not? >> it's like the movies, and everything. i don't know. i think i'd rather have champagne. you know, in a nice hotel. >> really? >> i don't know. maybe. i mean, you don't know. it's only been two years, johnny. i'm new at this. by the time he's 10 i may own an adult motel. [ laughter ] >> how do you rate yourself? are you-- are you good at it? >> how do i rate myself? >> yeah. >> i think-- >> parenting is not easy.
>> anybody-- almost anybody physically can become a mother or father, but boy. being a parent is a tough job. a good one. >> yeah. you don't really know what's right or wrong. i'm much more permissive than my mother was. i'm sure, and it-- you don't know quite how to do it. you look at manuals, and stuff. there's this new one out. my husband knows everything that's latest in child development, and it's like raising the cosmic child. >> what? >> raising the cosmic child. you know-- >> i just had dr. spock's book. >> i know. yeah, i have dr. spock's book. the cosmic child? is that-- >> it's letting your child bond with the earth. [ laughter ] >> that's important. >> yeah. well, earth bonds to my child, but so far i don't know, but you're-- you know, one of the big worries is premature literacy. so many people have been getting those flashcards, and teaching their children how to read, and now they're saying premature literacy is bad because it puts something abstract between the child and the physical world, so i picture, you know, burning half the bunny books. you know,
babar the elephant, but i-- you know, i rate myself. i think i'm probably pretty good, but it changes. you know, depends on what time of day it is, but you know that old thing. the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. >> yeah. >> that consoles me a lot. >> does it really? >> when i'm playing trucks, and i think that i'm not-- >> they're talking. he's talking. she's talking. >> he's talking, yeah. it's a he. his name is cisco. yeah. >> now, you get one of those things as the child gets older. when you have one of those days where the child will say, "well, i didn't ask to be born." that'll come up. >> oh, no. i guess. >> yeah. >> yeah. you've had that, johnny? >> yes, and i-- there's a great comeback for that. >> what? >> if you had to have asked the answer would have been, "no." [ laughter ] so have that ready next time. yeah, sometimes it's just-- you know, somebody says, "why do i have to do that, " and you say, "because it's my house, and i'm bigger than you are." [ laughter ] the child can understand that rather than logic. you say, "i'm bigger, and it's my house." >> yeah, i'm coming to that. i'm definitely coming to that. he's only started to talk, but,
>> because i say you can't, and i'm bigger than you are. that's good, johnny. >> nothing wrong with saying no. >> no, there certainly isn't. >> having to explain the rationale behind it. >> mmm-hmm. no. >> kids always want to say, "why?" you just say, "because that's the way it is." >> were you comfortable being strict to them? you sound so strict. >> i don't think i was being strict. i think sometimes you tend to over explain things to a child. >> uh huh. >> you just say, "no. that's the rule in the house. you can't do it." you don't have to give an explanation. >> i agree. you sound very good at this. it's like sometimes i-- well, i wish i could talk to my mother sometimes.yo but it's all changed, and sometimes i'm like the madonna. you know, i could pose for leonardo da vinci no problem. you know, i'm serene, and everything. >> you going to do this again? have more? more children. >> yeah, well, they didn't ask to be born yet. i don't know, but i think so. yeah. >> i think you'd probably make a good mother. >> yeah, well, i've got to-- you know, we're coming on married being seven years now. seven year. >> you-- well, do you worry about-- what you're saying by that you mean you fear that
the seven year itch. >> the myth of the seven year itch. yeah. well, no, i don't think-- >> well, women do that, too. >> well, i wasn't even thinking about looking around. i was just thinking about not looking anywhere. >> yeah. >> yeah, this guy giving up. [ laughter ] i'm in trouble. >> yeah. >> okay, we've got to-- we've got a little film clip from your show, right? >> oh, yeah, yeah. >> do you know what we're going to see here? >> yeah, this is mr. beanly. he's the guidance counselor, and my child is in trouble, and i defend him. >> okay. here's a little clip from-- here we are. right here. >> i'm afraid yoon in school today, and we're going to have to expel. >> i'm going to be sick. [ laughter ] >> he let loose 50 mice from biology class. >> i'm sure there's a perfectly rational explanation here. >> well, he was looking for a date. [ laughter ] >> they were going to dissect the mice. >> that's what they do in biology. >> spencer's just a little high strung. that's all. just give him another chance. he'll kill as many mice as you want.
there was something i could do, but your son was also in a fight. >> i don't understand what the hell's going on here. >> spencer doesn't get into fights. >> the boy's name is brett edlo. >> sounds like a snot nose. >> well, brett called you a rat faced rodent. [ laughter ] and a wimp. [ laughter ] >> i am not. >> that's why i had to hit him. >> oh, wonderful child. [ applause ] >> see. you're learning from the show. >> i'm learning from the show. >> all this experience. calvin trillin will be out here in just a moment.
[ music ] we are back. my next guest-- [ applause ] my next guest is a very amusing gentleman. he is a keen observer of all the foibles of life. he has a wry outlook, and author of several books. a new one out in the spring called "with all due disrespect". he writes for the new yorker. the nation. has a good,
would you welcome calvin trillin? [ music ] i mention food. last night we had a gentleman on. justin wilson. louisiana cajun cook, and he made some stuff, and i understand you were-- i guess we had leftovers from last night. >> well, it's out there. >> yeah. >> a lot of natural disasters here in california. you could have an earthquake anytime, or mudslide. >> so you want to make sure-- >> well, don't want toha >> yes, i like alligator a lot. >> that's what it was. an alligator-- >> yeah. >> something like that. >> i took my little girl once to a catfish festival in florida. she's a very picky eater, and she wouldn't eat catfish, but also we went to a wonderful restaurant that had what they call a swamp critter special which was-- [ laughter ] gator and cooter,
i had that. she had a hamburger, and a sack of potato chips. >> yeah, you said to a kid-- >> now, when they-- when the waitress brought the potato chips to the table. she opened them, and i said, "that's how you tell a classy joint." [ laughter ] >> right. open the potato chips. >> yeah. >> how do you manage to stay relatively slender when you write about food a lot, and you go-- >> well, i owe it to my wife. >> alice. >> yeah, she has a method. i think it's-- i don't think this is the time to go into the details of it. it's somewhat distasteful. [ laughter ] i would say if i had to sum it up in a word i would say, "nagging." [ laughter ] >> nagging. a good summation, yeah. >> yeah, she-- she'll say things like, "have you weighed yourself lately?" and i say-- so i weighed myself recently, and uncovered, i'm afraid, an incident of scale tampering at my house. >> no. >> yes. [ laughter ] i was even more shocked than you. [ laughter ]
a general knowledge of this, so i say, "this scale has been tampered with." tampered up. i haven't, so far, run into any scales that have been tampered down. [ laughter ] it was a tampered up scale, and so i-- before i accuse anybody i wanted to subject you to rigorous scientific tests. >> mmm-hmm. >> the only thing i could find whose weight i was absolutely sure of was a 10 pound bag of kitty litter. [ laughter ] so this is all true. >> you're testing the scale. >> yep, so i put on the scale, and it weighed 13 and a half pounds, so i confronted alice with the evidence. >> mmm-hmm. >> i said, "this scale is heavy. it's three and a half pound heavy." she said, "it evens out at the higher weights." [ laughter ] she really said it. >> i like the logic. it's good logic. >> yeah, so now when she says, "did you weigh yourself lately?" i said, "no, but i weigh the kitty litter daily." [ laughter ] >> so good idea.
you were in france recently. >> yes, in the summer. we were in-- yeah, yeah. >> do you get along over there? do you like it? >> they're not like us, john. >> yeah, i noticed that. yeah. >> no, they're-- they carry dogs. have you ever noticed that? the french carry dogs. i don't mean they carry dogs like if your dog has a hurt leg you carry him over to the vet. i mean, they walk around with them under their arms. [ laughter ] you walk down the street with one, and sit down at a bar, and have something to drink. reach for the wall [ laughter ] then get up, and walk away with it. i just saw them walk around with little poodles, and things, but-- >> yeah. >> they may walk around with dalmatians, and-- [ laughter ] could be when they want to walk with maybe an irish wolfhound they might call a friend to hold up the other end or something like that. [ laughter ] so i don't know. i think there's what they call a cultural lag there. i don't-- i can't get real close to a dog carrier like that. [ laughter ] i don't think they're the same.
you know, they're really-- they're-- the english, for instance, i found-- many times i've been in england. you know, they talk funny, and-- [ laughter ] and i couldn't-- one of the things. they end-- they end their sentences with a question, so if-- if you said, "oh, i don't know the details of the new tax plan, " and i would say-- instead of saying, "you'll have to read the report." they'll say, "you have to read the report, won't you? [ laughter ] and then you'll say, "well, i'm sorry. i didn't get around to it today." [ laughter ] >> hit you with that upper-- >> yeah, they don't mean that. they don't mean that. they only mean-- the secret of all english speech is all english people are hard of hearing, so-- [ laughter ] they ask that little question at the end just to make sure you heard. >> right. >> that's why they say, "i say, " at the beginning a lot. [ laughter ] >> i say. >> yeah, gives you a little warning that they're going to say something. [ laughter ]
if you've ever seen-- if you've ever seen harold pinter. the playwright has really captured all of this because if you've ever seen one of his plays. once you know the secret that everybody's hard of hearing. it all falls into place because the guy comes in. he says, "hello," and he says, "what?" "hello." "oh, thought you said goodbye." "no, hello." "oh, goodbye." [ laughter ] i mean, it's all-- it's all based on not being able to hear >> i never thought about that. >> you know he has to write about 30% of the dialogue that other people are-- >> very interesting observation. how do you feel-- >> you know what they didn't do? dramatic criticism on the show much. [ laughter ] >> no, but it's a good spot. we probably should. >> that's right. >> it probably should be a regular spot for this. how do you feel about-- a lot of people have strange traumas during holiday season. some people get rather depressed because it overwhelms them. >> oh, no. i like the holidays. >> you like-- really? >> yeah, it gives me-- usually i have at least one opportunity to wear my tuxedo which is a--
i'm not social except that i have a tuxedo which i bought my freshman year in college. >> you're kidding. >> yeah, i divided the number of times i'd have to wear it by the amount of, you know, what it costs to rent one, and the price, and i came out better to buy one, and i hadn't even thought about wearing it after i was in college, so now-- last new year's eve i think it cost me something like 55 cents to wear my tuxedo. [ laughter ] >> you're amortizing it. >> i'm amortizing it over the years. yeah, you try to >> yeah. >> these days. you can't do it. >> and they don't change that much. >> no, i do get an occasional odd glance at my tuxedo. [ laughter ] people tell me i should be very proud of being able to wear something i wore in college, which is true. i would be prouder if i didn't have reason to believe that the pants of my tuxedo are actually joe lebow's pants, and not my pants. he was a classmate of mine. rather rotund classmate, and i have reason to believe
very briefly. are you working on anything political now for the nation? >> i'm trying to stay away from politics because i'm having-- they're having identification problems there. they don't know what i'm-- what is supposed to be one of my jokes, and what's really happening. >> ah. >> i wrote a thing the other day about how reagan thought the polaris was a denture cleanser. [ laughter ] and say, "hey, where'd you find that out?" and i said, "i made that up. that's not real." >> no, it's hard. i mean, they thought it was one of my jokes when he said that the missiles would come back from a submarine. >> right. >> his joke. >> ah. >> it wasn't my joke at all. >> well, you see. they're too close to it. thanks for being with us tonight. >> thank you. >> have a nice night. [ applause ]
i'm humbled by that applause. this is interesting. it says here that 75% of all people who work together eventually become romantically involved. 75%? that can't be right. let me see that. damn, that's what it says, all right. k about it for a second. joe and helen work here and they were in a relationship. brian and alex work here and they're dating now. that's four out of eight. that's damn near 50% right there. if that statistic is correct
you could do a lot worse. joe hackett, get down here right now! what? what is it? what are you doing? not again. lowell, it's a sponge. that's right, joe. and when we're not cleaning with this sponge, where does it go? down your throat. you, of all people should know that when we're not using this sponge that it goes in its sponge cradle where it can dry off
give me a break. good morning. well, look who finally decided to come home. i'm staying overnight at alex's. you got a problem with that? and now i suppose you'd like some breakfast. yeah, okay. what do you got? lasagna? ast? no. lasagna for dinner... unless, of course, somebody forgets to call home to say they won't be here. lowell, give it a rest, will you, please? i think by this time the two of you would have more consideration for my feelings. fine. maybe that's just too much to hope for. listen, i got to get to work now.
well... your lunches are in the refrigerator. don't forget to take your vitamins. i don't know about you, but i have had it! why do we put up with this? he cooks, he cleans, he makes incredible lasagna. would you forget that? joe, you're forgetting something. we kind of owe him. i sank his houseboat, remember? we've got to tell him to move out. i'm behind you 100%. let me know how it comes out. no, we're going to tell him together. yeah. yeah, you're absolutely right. let's go down there right now and tell him he's out of here. this is our house, right? you bet. let's go. oh. well, first, i'd better wring out
oh, alex, hold up. i got something for you. from me. why? i just saw it, thought of you, and bought it. really? yeah, really. it's not my birthday. so? so you just got me a gift for no reason at all? i'm beginning to think so. look, i just got it 'cause we're friends, okay? oh... okay. when was the last time you got something for fay? it certainly wasn't on my last birthday. oh, for pete's sake. it's just a little pin in the shape of a helicopter. or the birthday before that. well, this is... this is really nice. thanks, helen. hi. good morning. you know where lowell is? i think he's in the hangar.
did you get me something for christmas? yes, fay, i did. oh, right! the debbie reynolds workout tape. thanks again. yeah, guys? lowell, we won't beat around the bush. joe has something he wants to tell you. yeah, joe? lowell, brian and i have been talking. we think it's time for you to find a place of your own. what do you mean? it's about all your rules and regulations. we know you mean well but we would like to go back to the way it was before you moved in. what do you mean? they might think you didn't want me to live with you anymore. we don't. we want you to find your own place. we want you to move out.
move out! hey, you don't have to tell lowell mather twice. far be it from me to stay someplace i'm not wanted. come on, lowell... i've tried very hard to take care of you boys. did i complain? i did not. i did it gladly. i only hope that someday, you two have children that treat you the way you're treating me now. you feel kind of guilty? yeah... kind of. did that feeling pretty much pass? yeah. completely gone. morning, alex. good morning. here.
i don't know. i might have if i... saw something that reminded me of you... like a pin in the shape of a spatula or something. a spatula? is that what you think that i'm about-- a fry cook? i didn't say that. then why get me a spatula pin? you got me a helicopter pin. it was a damn gift. just say thank you. thank you. you're welcome. and thank you.
it's a shame. what started out as a lovely gesture turned into an ugly scene. yeah. you think maybe if we oiled them up, they'd wrestle? good morning, guys. good morning, boys. gorgeous day, isn't it? really? i heard it might rain. really? not at our house. it's bright and sunny with a zero percent chance of lowell. yeah, i heard you boys gave mather the boot. it's about time. we didn't kick him out. we just asked him to leave. where did he go? to a lovely place called "elsewhere." you just threw him out in the street? when we got home last night his stuff was gone. i'm sure he's fine. i'm surprised you didn't turn him loose in the forest so he coullive with the wolves.
lowell, what the hell are you doing here? i work here. oh, yeah, and since you guys kicked me out of your house now i live here. lowell, you can't live in the terminal. what do you mean? we mean you can't live in the terminal. what are you saying? i can't live in the terminal? yes, that's exactly what we're saying. fay, don't push that button. why can't i live in the terminal? it's not very sanitary. there are no showers here. that's not a problem. i'm actually a lot like a camel. i can go for months without water. you've only gone 12 hours. you're way too much like a camel already.
what's next? stuff me in the old civil war cannon and shoot me off the island? i'm game. come on, lowell, stop being so dramatic. just go and rent an apartment. you think it's that easy, joe just to go and find an apartment? i wouldn't have that problem if one of my other good friends would let me live at their house. i wouldn't even let you live under my house. oh, well, lowell, uh... i would let you live at my house, but, um... i really just have the one key. oh, well, you could stay with me, but, um... um... i'm not zoned for it. i don't believe you people.
lowell, you can stay at my house as long as you like. get lowell out of my house today or i will kill him. wait a minute. what happened to "in italy, friends open their doors to other friends"? in italy, there was no lowell. all right, what happened? i'll tell you what happened. i'm sitting on the couch with my date-- a perfectly lovely woman ast her really big face-- and we're enjoying... wait a second. what do you mean, "really big face"? when you look at the place where a person's face usually is there is face but on her, when you look to each side there is... more face. anyway, there we are sitting enjoying beautiful, romantic music
joe, brian, please. take lowell back. no. no. no, no, wait a minute. my friend ruthie's daughter is a real estate agent. maybe she could find lowell a place to live. hey, roomie. listen, i just want to remind you tonight is my night to host the rat shooting club. don't you do that down at the dump? we shoot them at the dump we clean them at home. please, fay, call your friend. hurry. this one just came on the market. it's perfect. he'll take it. don't you want to know anything about it? it's the furthest one from our house. he'll take it. what do you think, lowell? lowell. hate it. lowell
what is wrong with this one? uh... it's got no view. didn't you notice that beautiful view from the porch? oh, great. the ocean. all right, we'll move it. he'll take it. oh, no, it doesn't feel right. it's got great natural light. i like it dark. sit in the closet. he'll take it. come on, this place has everything you said you wanted. i know, but it would never have the feeling that i get when i'm at your house. the warm feeling that you get when you walk in the front door. the feeling that you have when you live with your two best buddies in the whole wide world. we've already changed the locks. don't make us get a restraining order. i'll take it.
said some things that i didn't mean. you made a nice gesture and i didn't appreciate it. it's silly to think because you gave me something i had to give you something back. right. now we've got that out of the way. i got you a little something just to say i'm sorry. you're kidding. i did the same thing for you. okay, you go first. no, you go first. it ends, okay? this is not a competition, right? great. okay. ( gasping ) oh, my gosh! this is beautiful. this must have been so expensive. ah! i can't wait to see what you got for me. i just realized that this is the wrong size. i think i'm just going to rush back to the stores
so now that lowell is gone i was able to get another date with denise. denise? oh, oh, of course. the big-faced girl. look, you know, i'd be the first to admit she's not for everybody, but, uh... i'm sorry, antonio. as long as you like her. oh, who am i kidding? i can't get past the face. it's like making love to a jack-'o-lantern. morning, fay. what..? lowell. lowell. lowell! ( yelling )
hey, antonio. how you doing? my life is ruined. my world has crumbled into a black hole of meaningless despair. coffee? hey, what happened? they found my illegal hookup and disconnected my cable. they told me i have to pay a $200 fine. what if i can't pay the fine and i have to go to jail? you know what happens in jail? i'd only get the three major networks. are you happy? look what you've turned him into.
i'll take care of it. look, uh... oh, scarpacci i'm sorry about the way things turned out, huh? see ya. roy, roy, there is one thing. the cable company said if i could tell them the name of the person who helped me get the illegal hookup they would drop the fine. a-a-and w-w-what did you say? i told them i wasn't sure i could remember big is. sounds a lot like biggins. it's starting to come back to me. all right! i'll give you the money. keep your money. just let me come to your house tonight and watch the finals of buck naked line dancing. ( chuckles )
( both scream ) what's going on? fay tried to attack me with that bowling trophy. i was trying to defend myself. i thought someone was coming with a gun. i had no idea you were this upset. come home with me and brian tonight. no. i can't spend the rest of my life jumping at every sound. i almost killed poor lowell. yeah, right. i could have taken you easy. um, you boys go on home. i'll be able to manage by myself. you sure? yeah. absolutely sure. okay. all right. brian's waiting for me. good night. you're right. this is no way to live your life. just in case, i want you to have these! what are those? nunchakus. hoo! ancient japanese instruments of death and mutilation.
lowell, do you bring these to work every day? of course not. only on wednesdays. oh! fay? ob? who are you? i've been looking for you. don't take another step. i'm warning you, i've got numbskulls. i know how to use them! you should come home with us. no problem at all. i know who's stalking me. who? him. who the hell are you? i've got something that's going to settle this. he's got a gun! no, it's just a picture.
who are these guys? them? oh, these are my two big, overprotective, strong sons who were just recently released from prison. i once shot a man in reno just to watch him die. all right. would you just take a look at the picture? that will explain everything. it's pretty old and faded. looks like you, fay. let me look at that. oh, that is me. it's funny how you can lock into a hairdo. that's me. pete nash. that was taken in 1951... when we met. i'm sorry. i don't remember you. it still doesn't explain why you're here. you could say it's because you owe me a dance. brian: a dance. i knew there was a simple explanation. the night before i shipped out to korea my buddies and i went to the u.s.o. in syracuse.
we danced with the soldiers. i know. i was one of them. i was just 19. i was scared to death of going to war and you sat up with me all night talking. you told me i'd come back. i said, "how do you know?" you said, "you gotta. you owe me a dance." that's so sweet. it certainly was. all the time i was in korea i carried your picture. as a matter of fact brian: oh, wow. fay's picture got you through the war? oh, sure. that picture saved my life. it did? one day, we were under heavy artillery fire. i was so scared. i took out your picture... you mean just looking at my face gave you the courage to go on? no. i took out your picture and dropped it and i bent down to pick it up...
no, i bent down to pick it up slipped on my canteen, the rifle discharged and i shot myself in the ass. what kind of a medal do they give you for that? well, there i was in this v.a. hospital lying there with a bullet in my keister and it reminded me of you, fay. i'm flattered. but you still don't remember who i am, do you? i danced with a lot of boys. well, let me give you a clue. i was a very bad dancer. oh, most of the boys were. i stepped on your toes. a lot of boys did. i broke one. ah! my goodness was that you? that was me! so basically, your war story is you broke fay's toe and shot yourself in the ass. bet you keep the grandkids riveted with that.
you can go home. you sure? yes, i'm sure. okay. nice to meet you. good-bye, mommy. oh. well, uh, pete i'm curious. i mean, how come it took you so long to find me? after the war, i tried to find you. i went back to syracuse, but you had moved. eventually, i got married, and the years rolled by. recently, my wife died. i was looking at some old pictures. i came across that one and i realized there were so many things i meant to do that i hadn't done and one of them was seeing you again and thanking you for helping me get through that war. so, fay, thank you. you're welcome. well, i... i guess i'd better be going.
joanna, i just got off the phone, and guess who sold one of his books to a major video company to be the first in their series of how-to cassettes, starring what local television personality who also just happens to be the author of that book? gee, dick, you're gonna have to give her more to go on than that. they want you to make a how-to video? honey, that's wonderful. it's scary. no, i mean, this is great. you know, it's a chance to stretch my creative muscles, and enter a new level of artistry. which book are they doing? "so you want to be a plumber." yeah, they're gonna shoot a test scene next week at wpiv. they're coming to vermont to shoot? yeah, well, they feel if i'm in a situation where i feel comfortable, and with people i know,
cheaper. hi. i'm larry. this is my brother, darryl, and this is my other brother, darryl. we would like to announce the grand opening. of what? of our new escort service. we almost called it the "anything for a buck escort service," but darryl thought we ought to try something more romantic. "the acme escort service." how'd you guys come up with this idea? well, we was wonderin' how to raise the money to buy into a time-share condo near epcot when darryl realized what a valuable commodity we are in ourselves. yeah, you're right up there with pork bellies. thank you.
no! you see, larry, we have this pile of brochures, and when single women are looking for something to do, oddly enough, the first place they tend to look is right here. near the bottom? go figure women. well, we'd better get back before them calls from affection starved females start floodin' in. larry, what if there isn't exactly a flood? get real. here we are, the perfect combination of looks, sophistication, and conversation. you know, those three know each other so well, it's scary. michael: hey, crew! this is jerry nurco,
this is our prop man, bud. not so formal. call me bud. our director, - j.j. - nice to meet somebody from the big time. i'm gonna deliver you some first class wackada-wackada. bingada-bongada. both: boom! [both cackle] whoa! wavelength. and here's our star. dick, ready to make video va-va-va-voom? michael, i'm only gonna change a wa-wa-wa-washer. simple 30-second test tape. - but, dick-- - change a washer. simple. eloquent. i love it. thanks. it was my idea. places, everyone. j.j., it's only me. fine. place, dick. action! hi, and welcome to dick loudon's "so you want to be a plumber."
[laughing] [laughing] all you need to be your own plumber is a little knowledge, and the right tools. where are my tools? is this what you're looking for, dick? what are you doing here? i'm your beautiful assistant. i don't need a beautiful assistant. - but dick-- - you know, this may be going a bit too far. my sentiments exactly. bad idea, steph. michael! listen, puppy knees, i think it's time for one of those compromises we've talked about. okay. how about you get your way now, and i get my way about everything else for the next six months.
fine, dick. while we're at it, why don't we get rid of some other annoying innovations... like color and sound? ready? action! hi, and welcome to dick loudon's "so you want to be a plumber." and, of course, at today's prices, who doesn't? [laughing] what's that? video cassette recorder. so i can view all the cassettes i'm going to be making. dick, you wouldn't even get one of those for me when "gone with the wind" came out. i wasn't in "gone with the wind." well, i think it's just an expensive toy. frankly, my dear, i don't give a damn. excuse me. can you recommend something for me to do this evening?
oh, an escort service. for god sakes, don't! there must be something else in here. i don't understand. what's wrong with these people? that could take an evening in itself. miss parkman, why don't you go to the spinnaker? they have wonderful sea food. well, i do love sea food, but i'm the kind of person who likes to try new things. then rent a duck suit. just don't do this. rent a duck suit? well, there's no point in buying one. hey, dick. hi, jer, what's the word from new york? everything's great, just great. except for one tiny glitch. don't tell me. the script's a little flat.
so, eugene, how was your flight? it stunk. just because i had a coach ticket they tried to kick me out of first class. when you're in my line of work, you learn not to take no for an answer. what is it you do? i sell romwhite products, dick. re romwhite products? you name it. anything to satisfy your household, personal, even a few of your barnyard needs. dick, would you like to see how this little gizmo could get rid of nose hairs like that? no. i can't take that for an answer, dick. sooner or later, i'm going to get you. georgie porge.
no, i'm the handyman here at the stratford. just like my father was before me. it's sort of a family tradition. sounds more like a nice way of saying "dad got me the job." say, eugene, would it be all right if i got a picture of you? great! but let me get one first. oh. terrific. say, have you got a bikini or something? i think that's enough photos for awhile. just as well. ooh, ooh, ohh! hot camera! hot camera! george, maybe this would be a good time
and because you've been so kind to let me stay here, i've got something for you. these. is murder a capital offense in vermont? it's worth checking into. steph, i demand to know who this alan is. that name just slipped out. 12 times? now who is he? nobody. just a guy who used to... smell like you. a guy? someone you were in love with? of course not. it was more of an uncontrollable passion sort of thing. steph, where are all the guests? most of them checked out. why?
saying sooner or later he was going to get them. then again, it might have been the shock of seeing eugene strolling naked to the shower this morning. i think i'm entitled to gross-out pay. we told you, we don't want any wart remover. sure you do! we don't have any warts. but your wife's got that thing on her face. well, it's only a matter of time before i wear them down. here's georgie porge this morning? he hasn't come down yet. good. i have just the thing to wake him. [horn blares] the romwhite distress blaster. it comes in handy in bad neighborhoods. you want one? this is vermont. we don't have any bad-- [horn blares] oh, fine then! good. i'll bill you later. right now, i got to wake up georgie porge. [horn blares]
maybe you should talk to george. honey, i can't tell george that his only living relative is the most obnoxious human being we ever met. - [horn blares] - [george screams] he may just stumble onto it. hola, host, hostess, cupcake. michael! eww. you smell like you again. steph, i couldn't go on knowing you were kissing me but smelling him. now, are we still going to the dedication ceremony tonight or not? i guess. pick me up at 8 or something. whoa, the thrill is gone. i'm going to have to figure out a way to get that high-class honker back on the scent of michael harris. boy, that eugene. do you know what he just did? snuck up and scared the living hell out of you with a romwhite blaster while you were trying to shave. yeah.
yeah, he's one of a kind. like no one i've ever met. yeah, he's a real, uh, individual. i hate him, dick. you should, george. he's a fool. - nincompoop. - an obnoxious ball of slime. hey, that's my cousin you're talking about. george, just because he's family doesn't mean you have to like him. okay. he's an obnoxious ball of slime. well, look at it this way, george. he'll be leaving tomorrow and then all of your troubles will be over. but he's going to the dedication tonight. everybody in town is going to meet him. what am i going to do? is murder a capital offense in vermont? yeah, we haven't executed anyone since 1954. dick? honey, i only checked out of curi--
georgie boy! so you wanted to see me? uh, yeah. listen, eugene, you're my only living relative and i don't want you to take this the wrong way, but you are a pushy, obnoxious jerk. say... what are you driving at? i've been on my best behavior since i got here. you have? well, sure! didn't i tell dick that just because he writes how-to books instead of novels it doesn't mean he's a failure? well, sure, but-- an hour hasn't gone by that i haven't complemented joanna on how stacked she is. what's the embarrassing part? i really don't want you to come to the dedication ceremony tonight.
prefer no one ever know we're related. oh. well, if that's what you want, george. i guess there's no point in my hanging around. too bad. all these years i've been wishing there was someone in this world i was related to. it hits me worst around the holidays. you ever spend thanksgiving alone, george? there's nothing like the heartache of saying "pass the yams" and they just sit there. models, huh? at least you got people.
wait. if you really want to come to the ceremony, - you can. - you mean it? but once we get there, don't talk to anyone. don't look any-- don't do anything! that it? you can have this back after the ceremony. um, uh... wait here, steph. i'll find us seats. fine. i may still be here when you get back. well, what do you know? candace bergen at our town meeting? hey, candy! my mistake. it's just old mrs. trogden.
no, really. i'm not kidding, joanna. once again, eugene, thank you. and speaking of busts... that must be zebediah. okay, what happens from this point on? it's so lifelike. you can actually see the fear in his eyes. you must be george's cousin eugene. i'm mayor wannamaker. very nice to meet you. say, is that a piece? what? what? oh, michael, you're wearing that cologne again. not me, steph. eau de alan has been banished from this nape.
good evening. we're gathered here today to honor the founder of our town zebediah utley. hey-oh! in the past, zeb's name was much maligned. he was called chicken-livered, "gutless utley"... treefrog! that, too! but today we're going to remedy that! is zebediah's great-great- great-great grandson, george utley! eww! eww! eww! gee, steph, i haven't even started yet. sorry, george, it's just a little aversion therapy. from now on, steph will equate eau de alan
oh, my goodness. no wonder miss stephanie ran screaming from the room. i have seen the sissy and he is us. darryl, make a note. as soon as the river thaws, it's bath time. hi. i'm george utley. i never knew my great-great- great-great grandfather, but i'm sure he was a great-great-great... great guy. so in his honor, i'd like to dedicate this bust. so, i do. well, i guess that concludes the ceremony. gee, that's it? i sneezed and missed it. what do you expect me to do up here, juggle? why not let george's cousin eugene speak? he's an utley, too? that's a good idea.
what the hell? i can't say what a pleasure it is for me to be here because it isn't. ha ha ha! but seriously! not only is it a chance for me to honor an ancestor and a great man, it's an opportunity for me to meet the fine people of the town that he founded. and when i look out and see your faces, so full of hope and integrity, i can't help saying, "thanks, zeb, for a job well done." and i wonder what zeb would say if he could be here today. i think i know. i think he'd say, "i'm proud. "i'm honored.
is perfect for removing stains from metal, fabrics, and yes, even busts of minor folk heroes. now, hold it right there. eugene, no one needs a spot remover. what about him? is this a tie or is it a napkin he forgot to take off? you're man-handling a mayor. - yeah! - what is this? you look like a guy with some serious sweat stains under that jacket. oh, take it easy. take it easy. i mean, look what that spot remover did for this statue. oh, gee. this is drain cleaner. but imagine if that had been a greasy clog! now don't crowd. don't crowd. there's enough for everybody! hold it! nobody's touching my cousin. we just want to do to him what he did to that statue. no, anyone who wants him is going to have to come through me first.
- are you all right? - yeah. tough room. - thanks. - well, when you come right down to it, we are cousins, so i figure i should get first crack at you. boy, coming from a relative, that really hurts. but it doesn't stain! because i'm wearing a romwhite wonder suit. look at that punch bead up. that's because this suit is made of 100% unnatural fibers! and one just like it can be yours for only $59.95. go ahead, george. pull and tug all you like.
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